Hey folks, Moe here! I’m the resident novelty record collector and drinker of shitty beers. Kristen can have the skillfully-crafted-with-love-and-know-how brews, I’ll take a schlitz. My job here at Now Beer This! is pretty simple, find the most insane combinations of ridiculous album art and equally ridiculous beers I can find and share them with you. I’m no beer expert so a lot of the beers I’ll be choosing will be based solely on the magnitude of insanity they display and how well I imagine they would go with the chosen album.
I decided to hit the ground running with my first article and I may have an insurmountable task ahead of me. I’m trying to find what the gayest combination of beer and album art could possibly be. Now when I say “gay” I’m not using it in a pejorative sense, I quite literally mean, the most homosexual combination of beer and music. This is no easy task, I mean, do I go down the tried and true disco route? Seems trite and cliche, but there’s definitely plenty of homosexual material to work with. No, I think I’ll trudge into the deep end of Christian music because, let’s face it, true believers are pretty gay.
Searching through my record collection I stumbled across this doozy! Lord, I believe by The Faith Walkers might be the gayest christian album ever produced. Let’s take a look at that cover for a second, just stare at it, I’ll wait…did you laugh? I bet you did! You see Lord, I believe on the outside is just pure hilarity, but it gets funnier the more you research into the album. The Faith Walkers are Mary Ann and Jerry Fiscus (who undoubtedly “prayed the gay away”) who recorded Lord, I believe in an oregon state penitentiary…you see where I’m going with this, right? So we have a guy who screams “ex-gay” preaching to all the malcontents in Oz? Lord, I can tell you what I believe! The music is absolutely nothing to write home about, decent instrumentation over horribly under-produced vocals, essentially it’s the prison tat of christian albums. Here, this isn’t from Lord, I believe, but shows what The Faith Walkers can achieve when they’re in a studio…it’s not much better….
I got so caught up in the music, I almost forgot about the beer. Have you ever done a google search for “Gay Beer”? you get a lot of forum posts from potent potable fanboys decrying someone else’s brew of choice. “Bud’s for pussies and queers” or “Miller 64? only faggots drink that shit” Personally, I know a lot of “faggots” and most of them have exceptional taste in beer and the ones who don’t, drink the best swill money can buy. I should know because I get hit on by them all the time, free beer is free beer! However, in my homo-google adventure I stumbled upon a video for a small mexican company called The Minerva Brewery who are the first in the world to market a beer specifically for a homosexual market. They offer two “artisan honey-ales” called Purple Hand and Salamandra (don’t think I didn’t catch that “MAN” in there, you clever little minxes, you!). Here’s the thing though, currently neither of these are marketed in America, so if you’re gay and are looking for a fine honey ale you best ought to plan that trip to Cancun you’ve always wanted becuase these bad boys are only available in Mexico, Columbia, and Japan (for some reason). I think my favorite part about these brews is the ability to unglue the labels and “wear them as a symbol of gay pride”. If either of these find their way stateside I would most certainly bi-curious to try them, look for my review when they finally come out…in America.
So there you have it, The gayest Christian album I could find with an “artisan honey-ale” gay beer. I think I may have had a success here. Have an idea you’d like to see in the future? Drop me a comment below or email me at NowBeerThis@gmail.com
-Moe Porne, The Duke of Hurl